Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom

   One of my favorite quotes is the Serenity Prayer. Here it is in its simplest form:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

   Like many great quotes, I feel like its simplicity is deceiving.

1. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

Oh no, irreversibly on?!  I guess I can't do anything about that....

   When I think of the serenity that comes from accepting that some things are out of my control, I'm reminded of Elizabeth Gilbert's TED talk in 2009. She discussed how nervous and fearful she felt to write a book after she had written Eat, Pray, Love. She said, "Everywhere I go now, people treat me like I'm doomed.  Seriously, doomed. They come up to me all worried, and say, 'Aren't you afraid ... aren't you afraid you'll never be able to top that? Aren't you afraid that you'll keep writing for your whole life, and you're never again going to create a book that anybody in the world cares about? ...at all? ...ever? ...again?!'"

   Gilbert goes on to describe many great authors and artists throughout history who, after creating great masterpieces, let the depression and pain of creating lesser works of art drag them down into dark places--sometimes even resulting in suicides. How would I live your life if I was certain that the greatest masterpiece of my entire life was behind me?  Heck, how do I live my life if I feel like I will never create a masterpiece of any sort at all?!

  Gilbert didn't turn to God. But she did turn to an intangible force. She described this force as being akin to the ancient Greek muses, who would gift man with genius or stupidity at their own whim. If she did well, she happened to be gifted with a wonderful muse during that time of her life. If she did poorly, she happened to be cursed with a really awful and untalented muse during that time of her life. She would sometimes spend her time talking to, and attempting to reason with this intangible force. Gilbert credited this belief system with restoring her sanity and curing her anxiety when she did not feel "gifted" enough. She also seemed to credit this belief system with preventing arrogance and narcissism when a person feels miraculously gifted.

   Accepting that I never had control, and maybe never will have control, over something I desperately want to change is hard. It's especially hard if that thing I want to change is under control of a person that I don't respect that much. It's also hard when I used to have more control over the thing I want to change than I do now (like my weight!). But hey, that's life. It's a waste of time and energy to worry and stress out about things that I can't influence in any way.

2. The courage to change the things I can

Oh BMO, you have never lacked courage

   Last weekend I went to an Al-Anon meeting for the first (and probably last) time. Al-Anon is an organization that is a corollary to Alcoholics Anonymous...it's essentially a support group for spouses and loved ones of alcoholics. I wanted to see if any of the members had any useful or interesting techniques to reduce anxiety when a person feels like there is a good chance that something bad will happen and also feels powerless to prevent it from happening. As I talked to various Al-Anon members, I realized that, while many of them had accepted that they didn't have the omnipotent power to change their alcoholic spouse (or father, or wife), it seemed like everyone's only mission was to accept their own powerlessness. There was this weird feeling of powerless contentment in hovering in the air that both saddened and frustrated me.

   I left the meeting frustrated. It seemed like the entire membership thought that there were only two options: try to change the alcoholic and try to change themselves. Since all the members thought they couldn't change the alcoholic, they only worked on changing themselves in a way where they would accept anything and everything that life dealt them.

   This was especially frustrating since the Al-Anon meeting started with all of the members reciting the serenity prayer. I thought to myself, "Why would a room full of people who recite and try to live by the serenity prayer embrace only the first line, and almost completely ignore the second?!" I feel like, for some people, the serenity prayer has become this mantra that they chant so that they can feel better about giving up. "That didn't work, so I need to stop trying to change things and need to just accept the cards that life has dealt me. God, grant me serenity so that I can feel better about giving up."

   I suppose it's easier to simplify things to that extent, but I think life is more complex, and I feel like a weekly meeting of frustrated peers should deal with and attack those complexities. Let's say you've learned that you can't change the alcoholic by yelling at the alcoholic or by crying in front of the alcoholic. Maybe there's a different way to talk to the alcoholic. Maybe there's a different way to look at the problem. Maybe there are some behaviors you could accept while still finding other behaviors unacceptable. Maybe a therapist get involved in a beneficial way. Maybe another loved one could get involved in a beneficial way. Maybe you help the alcoholic become more interested in non-alcoholic activities. Maybe you could walk away from a relationship with the alcoholic. Sure, there are plenty of things that you can try that won't work, but there are also plenty of things that you can try that might work. Some of those ways might even change the alcoholic for the better.

   Which is where courage comes into play. One of the reasons why it's so hard to summon courage to change the things I can change, is because there is a chance that I may fail. Heck, of course I'm going to fail most of the time if I'm trying something new! I'm doing it for the first time ever. Many times, I try over, and over, and over again until I either succeed, or I realize that, no matter how hard I try, I don't have much control over the thing I'm trying to change.

True story

  Mustering up the courage to try anything new, knowing that there's a good chance that I will fail, is pretty hard. Mustering up the courage to try something new that's important and life-changing is especially hard, because if I fail, chances are that many people that I know and care about will see me fail. And that will hurt. But if I don't muster up that courage, not only will I not succeed. I also won't gain wisdom.

3. And wisdom to know the difference

   The only way I know to gain true wisdom is to try new things, and either fail or succeed. Some people gain wisdom by reading things in books or by watching educational shows or youtube channels. I can't. I can't really learn how to do math by only watching other people do math; I learn math by doing math. I can't really learn how to spell by only reading books; I learn how to spell by writing. I only learn whether I can change something by changing it, not by studying how somebody else might have changed that same thing.

Do or Do Not.  Don't just sit on your a$$ and think about it all day.

   Regarding this issue specifically, I've gained wisdom to know the difference between the things I can change and the things I can't change by trying to change everything I can think of for the better in different ways, and then failing at changing some of those things. When I fail, I know that chances are high that I can't change that thing I was trying to change in that way. When I succeed, I know that the chances are high that I can change that thing I was trying to change in that way.

   For me, the serenity prayer is this frustrating, yet rewarding, balancing act that causes me to both try new things and also to give up on those same things. I try out new things to figure out what works so that I can maybe become a better or more effective person. I learn from my failures to figure out what doesn't work so I don't waste my time and effort. I'll sometimes gain some serenity when I realize that there are some things that just don't work. Other times I'll gain some wisdom when I learn that some farfetched idea of mine actually panned out.

   Then it all starts again, and I'll need to work up my courage in order to try something new, when I know I might fail...